||[Nov. 12th, 2006|09:39 pm]
|||||choose for me||]|
|||||i don't believe in moods||]|
so after getting macked by a bunch of irish chicks, i ate. and then a bunch of dorm kids got me drunk and i made the spontanious decision to sneak into the theatre to watch borat, which was a success, good movie.
after that i told my buddies to drop me off at this intercection on the bad side of town, they seemed concerned , but i was like, whatever, don't worry about me, if i turn up dead, it was destiny.
so i walked around, a bit, got abducted by a UFO. the aliens touched my privates, but i wasn't mad at them, they looked like babes... except for the one with wings, he or she was scary.
the aliens dropped me off at this little village out of town and i hitch hiked back, it took like 4 hours to find a ride, it was so cold and dark, and i was all tramatized from the alien orgy.
a pretty decked out damzL broad picked me up, she offered me a blow-job, i said, no thanks, i got a girlfriend whom, i accidently cheated on with a bunch of aliens, but i'll take a cigarette if that's cool...
we changed the subject to the hanging of saddam.
a subject that is kind of eerie to me these days.
saddam's hanging makes me uncomfortable for some reason. for, some reason i don't know if it's right to give him a public execution. if a man is so evil, why not lock him in a dark basement all doped up on hallucinegens and let his own demons consume him until he dies?
when a nation of people foam at the mouth with the desire for someone's blood, evil ceases to be, and it is good for the meanwhile, until their darkman is punished. and they will need a new scapegoat. that north korean dictator dude is next.
she asked if one of the aliens had a tatoo of a musquito on its face...
i said yeah.
and then she burst with laughter "NO WAY!!! I WAS ABDUCTED BY THOSE SAME ALIENS A COUPLE MONTHS AGO!!"
and then we high-fived.
we talked about drugs and love.
my favorite drug is magic mushrooms.
i used to do them once or twice every solstace and equinox to gather my spiritual self and find my inner child.
i haven't done them all year. i don't even clearly see the point anymore. half the time i become disappointed because the drug didn't totally obliterate my perception of reality, and then the disappointment would exaggerate itself because of the drug, and i would be bitter, bored, and a little sad that my life isn't as romantic and rare as it could've been.
my lovelife is similar in a way.
i used to want to feel the sparkles of unconditional acceptance and beauty. the poetry of the universe and the perfection of togetherness. i still do.
i guess i'm discouraged.
i got a girl. we spend a lot of time together. she's like my polar opposite sometimes.
she doesn't think she's attractive, but she its.
our time together is musicless, a lot of the time monotonous.
at this point of the conversation the girl who was driving, let out this massive fart and it threw the conversation off balance.
it stank too.
i never thought a girl who looked so good could... you know...
smell like shit.
she dropped me off at the edge of town, and i walked for hours towards my baby's house.
as i walked there, i contemplated these strange dreams i've been having.
in one of the dreams, i am handed a baby through the window to care for because, the person had too many or something like that. and so i hung out with the baby. playing with it. eventually becoming best friends with the baby. we told eachother jokes and laughed together like chums. and then it started to die, and i became really sad. it was frail like a baby chicken.
and when it died, i cried my eyes out. like a piece of me has died.
in another dream that came a couple nights later, my bestfriend's soul somehow became trapped inside the body of a robot.
and then the robot went missing, and i tried for long hours to track it down to no avail, the soul would phone me and talk to me through the internet, mostly saying goodbye. eventually i knew it was gone, my bestfriend, maybe my only friend. gone. and i cried my eyes out. like a piece of me has died.
i wondered what it would be like to hang from a cross, in front of all the people you've ever known, lovers and haters, all having this riot in front of you, and you can only sit there and watch as you bleed from your nail wounds.
there must have been moments when jesus wasn't forgiving anybody. a long indifferent and lonely silence.
i saw myself on video the other day.
i'm ugly. i'm skinny, and i'm frail.
pathetic. no wonder she responds to my affection the way someone would respond to a fly buzzing around their head.
nevertheless, i appreciate her love, sometimes it's the only love i ever had.
i just wonder sometimes if this is as good as it will ever get to be...
life is just disappointing. society turns you into a lonely foe of the universe and teases you with the pleasures that everyone except you gets to be included in.
the only thing you can hopefully look forward to is having a partner who might(but probably doesn't understand fuck all about you) your troubles with God, and your woes with the world.
and shelter eachother from the evil natures of the modern world.
that is what love, to my understanding, is turning out to be.
i knock on her door.
she's happy to see me, she knows i'm drunk.
we cuddle and talk about life, and joke around and all that.
in the midst of joking around, she tells me that she wants her kids to have blonde hair and blue eyes.
she doesn't want to have a kid with me.
this hurts me somehow, mroe than i let on.
because i'm thinking to myself...
she doesn't want to be my wife, she doesn't want to have my kid, it's hard enough to share
a bed with her, let alone tell her how i'm feeling without her criticizing me somehow...
it's almost as though our being together is some sort of lame sham.
it doesn't mean we don't love eachother. it just means, that we'll eventually have to face
the fact that we weren't made for eachother.
this thought keeps me from sleeping.
i watch her sleep, wondering who the hell she is.
will marriage be like this?
will i be tied to some stranger?
will they continue to be a stranger even after i get to know them quite intimately?
can anyone know anyone?
am i alone in this world?
she notices me pacing trying to be comfortable and suddenly holds me with that weird jedi
woman power that women have...
she comforts me with a little voice singing..
"Senora Santa Ana,
Porque llora el nino?
por una manzana que se le ha perdido.
yo le dare una.
yo le dare dos.
una para el nino y otra para vos."